Tag Archives: Self-awareness

Chapter 5 – Focusing on what you can do

Posted on by
1

This is the fifth chapter of my virtual book, “On Leadership“.

In the previous chapter, we looked at how you can build resilience and cultivate a “growth mindset”. These are skills you can develop to become more effective at leading yourself. In this chapter, we will use the “circle of influence” tool and learn how we can empower ourselves by focusing our time, attention and energy on what we can do rather than what we cannot do

This concept of the “circle of influence” dates back from the book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey. While it was published originally in 1989, it remains one of the most influential books about personal effectiveness and is well worth reading. Let me share the concept with you here, in case you have never heard of it or would benefit from a refresher:

Imagine all the things in life that you are concerned about: these may be things such as your work, your family, the weather, your favorite sports team, your health, and may other things. All of these things can be put in a circle we can call the “circle of concern”. This circle includes things that you can directly control, things you can influence, and things you can do nothing about.

Schultz - circle of influence

We can take everything in the circle of concern and sort them into two categories: things over which we can exert at least some influence or control, and those things over which we can exert no influence or control.

Some examples of things we cannot influence at all include the weather, the performance of our favorite sports team, exchange rates, the moves by our competitors and most politics – unless you decide to run for office! These things remain in the “circle of concern”.

One thing that ALWAYS remains in the circle of concern are things that happened in the past. We spend so much time and energy replaying things that already happened, telling ourselves how unfair such-and-such a situation was, regretting decisions we made, complaining about past injustices. And we can do nothing about these things, because they have already happened.

Schultz - cir of influence

Some examples of things we can influence, at least to some degree, are the actions of our friends, family members and colleagues. We can influence the work we do, our own feelings and, of course, our health and wellness through choices we make about diet, exercise and getting enough rest. These things can be put in a circle called the “circle of influence”, which sits inside the larger circle of concern.

The things in the “circle of influence” can be further sorted into two categories: things over which I can exert complete control, and all the remaining things which I can only influence but cannot completely control.

Schultz - circle of control

There are many things in life which we can influence to a greater or lesser degree, but there are only three things over which we can exert complete control:

  • Our focus – we can choose what to focus our attention, time and energy on. Even if we get distracted, we can always choose to refocus on what is important to us.
  • Our interpretation – while it is not always easy (and we will discuss it further in a future chapter), you alone can decide whether the proverbial glass is half full or half empty.
  • Our actions – we may feel obligated to act in certain ways, but in reality as a human being, we are fully in control of the next step or action we take. Even with a gun pointed at us, we can choose whether to resist or comply.

We can place the things we can completely control within a circle called the “circle of control”, which sits inside the larger circle of influence, which sits inside the larger circle of concern.

And here is the power of the “circle of influence” tool:

Which circle offers us the best return on investment on our energy spent? In other words, if we are going to use our emotions, our time, our thoughts and our efforts, which circle is the most worthwhile to use them on?

The circle of control offers the best return on investment, because 100% of our energy delivers a result.

Let’s turn this on its head and look at it in another, simpler way:

Schultz - concern

The circle of concern is the circle of “can’t”: I can’t influence it, I can’t do anything about it, I can’t change it.

Schultz - control

The circle of control is the circle of “can”. I can choose what to focus on. I can choose how to interpret the situation. I can choose how to act.

Which one is more useful to spend your time and energy on? Of course, the circle of “can”!

Schultz - influence

What about the circle on influence? What should we do about that? Well, for any item that is inside the circle of influence – meaning that we have some influence on it but not complete control – we simply ask, “What part of this is within my circle of control? What CAN I do about it?”

Let’s look at a work-related example:

You have a boss who is very demanding, always correcting what you believe to be tiny details in your work that you think aren’t very important. You are frustrated by your boss and consider him to be too picky. He should lighten up!

It may not feel like it, but your boss and his actions are within your circle of influence. Simply focus on what you CAN do about the situation. Remember the three things that are wholly within your circle of control: your focus, your interpretation, and your action.

  • Your focus – you can choose to either focus on what your boss is saying to you and try to learn from it, or you can choose to “tune him out” and ignore his corrections. The choice is up to you what to focus on.
  • Your interpretation – you may initially interpret your boss’ actions as demanding, overly-detailed and picky. But if you try hard enough and look at things from his point of view, you might see the situation differently. Maybe there is a reason that these details are important, a reason that you don’t yet realize. The choice of how you interpret the situation is up to you.
  • Your actions – you have a choice whether to take your boss’ feedback and give more attention to the details of your work. You could also choose to speak with your boss and ask him to explain the importance of the details, so you understand the impact of your mistakes. You could also choose to quit, if you decide it isn’t worth your effort to change yourself. Quitting may have consequences, but it is a choice that is fully in your own control.

When you look at it this way, focusing on what you CAN do rather than what you CAN NOT do, is incredibly powerful. In every single situation in life, you CAN choose your focus, interpretation and action. And this allows you to truly lead yourself, because realizing that you CAN do something lets you move from feeling powerless to being powerful.

One more look at the circle of concern, the group of things over which we have no influence or control. Is this circle completely useless? Is there anything we can do with it? Thankfully, the circle of concern has some value. We can do one of four things with something that rests in the circle of concern:

  • We can look for some way to change it – or to change ourselves – nudging it from the circle of concern to the circle of influence.
  • We can accept it and learn to live with it
  • We can leave it – if it really is so bad, maybe we need to walk away
  • We can learn from it – especially things that happened in the past, what lessons can we learn and apply to the future?

Here is an easy exercise you can practice this week to strengthen your ability to lead yourself:

  • As you encounter difficult or frustrating situations and find yourself saying (or thinking) that you CAN’T do this, or CAN’T do that, pause for a minute and change your words: instead of saying what you CAN NOT do, trying saying what you CAN do. Or, at the very least, what you MIGHT be able to try doing.
  • Set an alarm bell in your mind that rings every time the word “CAN’T” crosses your mind or your tongue. By shifting your vocabulary from CAN’T to CAN, you will focus on your circle on control and lead yourself more effectively.

In the next chapter, we will continue exploring ways you can lead yourself and introduce the concept of practicing emotional intelligence.

As always, we welcome your input and feedback: leave your comments below or drop us a message. And please follow me on Instagram: @leadlearnandgrow

Chapter 3 – Leading yourself

Posted on by
Reply

This is the third section of my virtual book, “On Leadership“.

In the previous chapter, we introduced the idea that before you can lead others, you must lead yourself. And before you can lead yourself, you need to know yourself. In this chapter, we will look more at what it means to lead yourself, why it is important, and introduce some ways to lead yourself that we will discuss in upcoming chapters.

Every leader is also a follower. All managers have their own managers, after all, so they have to play the role of a follower of someone else, in addition to being a manager – and, hopefully, also a leader – of their own direct reports. Being a good follower means showing leadership over yourself: your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.

Being a good followerConsider this: have you ever, as a manager, thought about one of your employees and wondered, “Why don’t they just do…!?”

“Why don’t they just take responsibility? Why don’t they just follow up on what I told them to do? Why don’t they bring me solutions rather than complaining all the time? Why don’t they try and fix problems themselves instead of ask questions they know the answer to?”

If you say (or think!) those things about your employees, have you ever stopped and wondered what your manager wishes you “just did”? As much as you probably think you are an above average employee, there are doubtlessly things your manager wishes you did – or didn’t do! – that would make you even better.

Basically, leading yourself is about putting your words into action and being a responsible employee. By doing so, you will be a good example to others, especially to your direct reports. “This is the type of behavior I expect of you,” it says, “because I first expect this behavior of myself.” What’s important here is that you don’t lead yourself for the purpose of being a great example. That’s just a side benefit.

Schultz Leading Yourself

The deeper benefit of leading yourself is that it is about acting in a way that is consistent with your stated values. You may have heard the expression, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Well, leading yourself is about making sure you do as you say and as you do. Words and actions must align.

For example, if you say that treating people with respect is important to you, do you consciously treat people with respect – especially when it might not be easy to do, such as when you are frustrated with them or under stress? As another example, if you say that you value employees taking initiative, do you practice taking initiative yourself, or do you just wait for your manager to tell you what to do?

Besides the obvious benefit of being a good example for others (and people really want to work for a manager whose words and actions align – so it should be easier to attract people to your team and keep them longer), there are two other benefits of leading yourself effectively:

  • Leading yourself effectively improves your mental well-being. You simply feel better when you are taking charge of your thoughts, feelings, and actions in a constructive way. People who complain all the time, who only see obstacles instead of opportunities, and who spend their energy making excuses rather than delivering results, usually don’t feel very satisfied and fulfilled. Leading yourself will leave you feeling more satisfied and fulfilled.
  • And beyond this, the actions that are part of leading yourself will make you a much more attractive employee. Companies and managers value employees who lead themselves well. Demonstrating these behaviors will prepare you for more responsibility and future promotions. Leading yourself is good for your career.

How can you lead yourself? You might think back to what you expect from your employees, that “why don’t they just…” list. Those thoughts, feelings, and actions that you wish your own employees demonstrated are probably good indicators of what leading oneself looks like.

Here are four skills to help you lead yourself. We will talk more about them coming chapters.

  • Self reflect – the basic skill of leading oneself is the ability to self-reflect. We introduced this skill in chapter two (“Knowing yourself”) and you will see it come up again and again in future chapters
  • Build resilience – one of the most important skills we can develop to lead ourselves is resilience. When life knocks us down, how do we quickly get back up again? We will discuss this in the next chapter
  • Focus on what you can do – you can empower yourself by focusing your time, attention and energy on what you can do rather than what you cannot do. We will discuss this two chapters from now
  • Deepen your emotional intelligence – increase your awareness of your emotions and what you can learn from them, and develop ways to constructively express those emotions. We will discuss this three chapters from now.

For now, start by thinking about what “leading yourself” might mean for you and how you might practice the four skills listed above in your life – both at work and even outside work. Find one or two simple ways to begin practicing “leading yourself” and be aware of how these practices help you, and also what challenges you face when trying to lead yourself.

As always, we welcome your input and feedback: leave your comments below or drop us a message. And please follow me on Instagram: @leadlearnandgrow

Chapter 2 – Knowing yourself

Posted on by
Reply

This is the second chapter in my virtual book, “On Leadership“.

This chapter is about building your leadership ability. In the previous chapter, we introduced the difference between managing and leading. You will recall that managing is a business skill and leading is a human skill. If you are going to be a leader, who is the first person you need to lead? Of course, the answer is, yourself!

This may sound odd. After all, we usually think a leader leads other people. That is true, but the first person a leader leads, is him or herself. In order to lead yourself, you need to first know yourself.

What does it mean to know yourself and why is it important?

Each of us has different strengths and abilities. We also have different interests and values. We are most effective when we have a clear picture of who we are, what we value, what we are good at and what we enjoy doing. And, of course, we need to know the opposites, too: who we are not, what we do not value, what we are not particularly good at and what we do not enjoy doing.

Schultz self-reflection 1

Let’s look at two practical examples of this, one from outside the workplace and one from within the workplace:

John grew up in a peer group that was mostly from well-off families. While John’s family was modestly middle-class, he felt a lot of pressure from his peers to dress in the latest designer clothes, have the newest smartphone, and drive a fancy car. To have these things, he had to work very hard, missing birthdays and other special events of family members and friends. He also ended up taking on quite a bit of debt which he could not afford. Eventually, he worked himself into exhaustion and ended up in the hospital.

John’s aunt, someone who had treated him just as her own son when he was a boy, visited him in the hospital and asked why he was working so hard. At first, John did not have an answer. His aunt patiently asked about the many nice things he had and how he felt about having them. She asked without judgement, encouraging John to think about whether these material things were worth risking his health and missing out on spending time with his family and loved ones.

With his aunt’s gentle but powerful questions, John came to realize that all of these material things were not bringing him any happiness. And, in fact, they were causing him great suffering. He came to see that his actions were not aligned with his values: what he was doing (working to the point of exhaustion, missing special moments with loved ones, and digging himself into a deep hole of debt) were not fulfilling what was most important to him (health, spending time with loved ones, and enjoying the life he has). Realizing this allowed John to start making different decisions and, ultimately, to make choices that left him happier and more fulfilled.

The second example is from the workplace:

Anh graduated with honors in engineering and quickly found a job at a prestigious company. For the first year, Anh worked on individual assignments. She did not see how her work really made a difference and she had little interaction with her colleagues. Even though her parents were proud of her, Anh dreaded going into the office each morning and each afternoon, could not wait to leave. She wondered if this was what the next several decades of work would be like.

One day, Anh’s manager placed her on a short-term project working with team members from other departments to address a serious challenge that was affecting the company. Anh felt a new level of energy. She enjoyed learning about other parts of the company and how the project team’s work impacted the whole organization. Finally, it felt like she was doing something meaningful and she was not stuck working alone!

After the project was over, Anh’s manager asked what she had learned from the assignment. At first she hesitated to answer directly, but finally shared that she missed working with others and was energized by being part of something bigger. Her boss agreed that this was one of Anh’s strengths and said he would move her to work within a team. He also agreed to take more time explaining how her work related to the organization’s larger needs.

Self-reflection highlightThese two examples show how knowing yourself can help you feel more fulfilled and even happier in life, both inside and outside work. They are big-impact examples, but you can probably think of many everyday examples of how being more self-aware has helped you feel more fulfilled and happier.

What are some easy ways to get to know yourself better? There are many ways to deepen your self-awareness. The easiest is to set aside some time to consider the following questions. Write your answers and spend some time reflecting on what they tell you about yourself.

  1. What are the ten most important things to me in life? Rank them in order from most important to least important.
  2. What three words or short phrases best describe me?
  3. What is my biggest strength?
  4. What is my biggest weakness?
  5. What do I fear the most?
  6. What type of activities in the workplace make it feel like the time just flies by? Which activities give me the opposite feeling?
  7. What situations make me feel terrible, and what do they have in common?
  8. How do I prefer to interact with others?
  9. What motivates me to make progress?

One warning: when self-reflecting, be aware of your biases. Some of us have a negative bias, resulting in us being overly self-critical. Others of us have a positive bias, resulting in a too-flattering self-portrait. And most of us have a bit of both biases, which can distort the picture. The easiest way to account for biases is to seek inputs from others, but even if you don’t feel comfortably doing that (yet!) please make every effort to assess yourself as accurately as possible.

Schultz self-reflection 2

Let me give you a quick example of how your answers to the above questions can deepen your self-awareness. One of my biggest strengths (question 3) is that I am very detail-oriented. Knowing this about myself means that I can be a great person to proofread documents, scrutinize implementation plans and critique written proposals. Those are the “pros” about this strength.

But I can also ask myself, when does this strength turn into a “con” or a liability? Sometimes I frustrate my colleagues by focusing on nit-picky details when all they are looking for is some general feedback. And sometimes I become so detail-oriented, that I risk missing important deadlines.

Knowing your strengths gives you insight into how to play to those strengths, but also how to watch out for “de-railers” or traits that can unexpectedly knock you off your path. This is true for all these self-awareness questions. Your answers to these questions will help you recognize some truths about yourself.

When we are working and living in a way that aligns with these truths, our life tends to go smoother. And when we are working and living in a way that goes against these truths, challenges arise.

Over the next week, set aside some time to do this self-awareness reflection. See what you can learn from it and start looking at how your life aligns or conflicts with your truth.

Interested to further increase your self-awareness? Here are four ways:

  • Ask people who know you to answer the questions above about you, from their perspective. For example, ask a trusted colleague, a close friend and your spouse for their answers and then compare how you answered from your own perspective. Think about why they have a similar or a different perspective about you and what you can learn from this.
  • Discover your DISC profile. DISC is a communications preferences assessment and can be helpful in recognizing how you prefer to interact and communicate with others. The free assessment and report on the Tony Robbins website provides helpful information. There are many other website that offer free or low-cost DISC assessments, too.
  • Meditate or exercise regularly. These types of activities let you get in touch with your body, especially your breathing. They help you let go of what you are thinking and “tune in” to your deeper self.
  • Keep a written journal. Regular journaling, recording your activities, thoughts and feelings on a daily or weekly basis, helps you pause and reflect, recognize patterns and learn more about yourself.

As always, we welcome your input and feedback: leave your comments below or drop us a message.